My one and only application for sabbatical in 20 years in academia, to be taken in 2020, was not supported. The proposal was apparently in need of ‘further development’, but that was not the real reason. I was told I would be successful if I reapplied in a non-teaching trimester. As politely as is possible, I pointed out that the definition of sabbatical is time off from teaching to do research, not time to do research when you are already doing research.

I also pointed out that this decision is sexist; harming the research career development of, and denying earned respite from teaching for, women who are part-time due to caring responsibilities. With the smallest flicker of energy, empowerment, and agency left in me at that time I stood up for myself, but the uncomfortable truth that was spoken was not graced with a reply. I was kicked with silence when already down.

Being so burned out, I applied for long service leave instead. This of course was approved because it does not come from the faculty’s pocket, so the cost of having someone else run my course was covered by central funds. Having all of 2020 free from teaching was a set-up for my liberation so profound, I could not have known it at the time.

The first thing that changed was my relationship with time. It completely slowed down. I found myself napping a lot. I finally realised this was trauma my body needed to process in the quiet of the unconscious. The pandemic then hit and there was nowhere to go, so my holiday plans to visit family overseas ceased, and I remained at home doing what I most love - research.

As the axe on jobs began to fall across the sector, and friends began to announce with glee their taking up of the voluntary redundancy offered at their university, something in me knew the time to jump the sinking ship had arrived for me too. My last day is 9 December 2020. Now that the grief and loss of forsaking tenure and my academic identity is a process I have also completed this year, I am racing with joy to the finish line.

2020 was a massive year for the world. Everyone has their story to tell. This was how it shook out for me.